So you stole the DeLorean, travelled back in time and assassinated a celebrity…
You’re going to have to explain yourself. Who was it, when did you do it, and what good were you hoping to achieve by offing them?
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I’m going back to the ’70s and taking out OJ Simpson. Not only am I thereby saving two lives in the process, I’m saving the US tons of money and resources from not having to conduct one of the most drawn-out, expensive investigations and subsequent trials in history, not to mention saving the general public from some of the stupidest stuff masquerading for news during the early ’90s, leaving us free to pay attention to other things like terrorists, the environment, and the economy.
As to what repercussions this would then have over American football, I don’t care much. They start over again from scratch every season anyway.
golfwidows last post..washing and irony
Don’t forget the Naked Gun films…
Or you could just go back and replace the gloves with a slightly larger size.
Hilarious!
Would the NFL or college football have missed him much?
.-= sitting pugs´s last blog ..NFL’s ten hugest deals =-.
I’ll go slightly obscure and sign up for the double assassination of Hedda Hopper and Louella Parsons- the “grandmothers” of modern gossip columnists. I despise how a method based on lies and whispers has perverted modern journalism to the point that facts are considered matters of opinion worthy of debate. Maybe if, in the early days, such “journalistic” tactics had a deadly outcome, the habit could have been nipped in the bud.
Brandys last post..Friday Night Fluff: Today’s Special
Gossip columnists? Why that would be taking out all celebrities… that’s not an assassination, it’s a genocide.
I like to be efficient.
.-= Brandy´s last blog ..State by State / Love or Hate =-.
hehe, I like your style.
I’m taking out George Bush Senior before he had kids. Nuff said. Not a celeb, I know, but damned useful.
I think you could argue both on a celeb basis… at least as much as you could argue they were politicians.
Again, bonus points ofr lining several Bushes up at once with that single bullet.
You know those “most recent common human ancestor” types – Mitochondrial Eve and Y-chromosomal Adam? I think I’d have to take out one of those 2, just to see what happens.
That or some major religious founder like Abraham, the world could do with a little less of that.
*Matt’ erases humanity. Long live the insect kings of New Earth.*
It doesn’t erase humanity, it just means we get an entirely different set of people.
My targets were just the most recent humans who happen to be far enough back in time that we’re all related to each other, not the progenitors of the entire human race (for one thing they were separate from each other by thousands of years, not any kind of first couple)
Without them, the most recent common ancestor would be further back in time. Or depending on how things play out, assassinating them could mean some later human who previously never existed would get to be the new most recent common ancestor.
Either way, brand new crop of people, so it’d be bound to have some interesting results. I for one would want to compare the development of our human race with their parallel human race. See how much of our advancement is down to the individual geniuses, how much of it is bound to happen one way or another.
You know those “most recent common human ancestor” types? Mitochondrial Eve and Y-chromosomal Adam. I think I’d have to take out one of those two, just to see what happens.
That or some major religious founder like Abraham… the world could do with a little less of that.
[Tried to submit this once already but my net connection crapped out, hopefully it doesn't end up double-posted]
“[Tried to submit this once already but my net connection crapped out, hopefully it doesn't end up double-posted]”
It did, but I’m going to let it stand.
i’d go back to the very beginning of time and assassinate god.
mankind deserves better than death, starvation, pain and hate.
god made a mistake. he created a flawed universe.
and we deserve better than only seven sins. i want more.
Seraphines last post..It’s in the small print
I’m sure if we put our heads together we could invent some pretty good new ones. We’re inventive people.
*Seraphine makes the following a sin:
Eating bread on a Thursday
Not honoring your neighbour’s fish
Worshiping Popeye dolls
Stealing sleep
Killing time
Breathing*
i remember hearing about a family who heard a loud noise on their roof.
when they ran out to look, they found a dead fish. it had broken some roof tiles.
most thought a large bird probably dropped the fish.
i think it got over-ripe and fell from a fish tree. It’s plausible:
The fish that can survive for months in a tree
My knee-jerk reaction would be Jon Voight before he started speaking at GOP fundraisers, but then I wouldn’t want Angelina Jolie mad at me.
Rush Limbaugh.
HEY, HE WOULD DO WORSE IF HE COULD.
Just had to look up GOP… “Grand Old Party”… He did start that after Midnight Cowboy though, so all good there.
And Rush Limbaugh? Well there’s a former drug addict and a man who spouts so much nonsense that his own ears stopped working in protest.
[Approved]
I can’t choose! Normally I’d use time travel to retrieve the lost episodes of Doctor Who or prevent the cancellation of the original Star Trek or go to concerts by bands whose members are mostly dead back when they were all still alive. Instead of assassinating someone myself, can I try to steer Mark David Chapman at someone other than John Lennon, perhaps Rod Stewart or Ronald Reagan (who I hear was also on his list)? If not I guess Joe McCarthy, that guy’s a dick.
The Great Joe Bivinss last post..COMIC: BAADD: Blobs All About Drunk Driving
I like the idea of steering already-assassins towards new targets… that sounds like it could become a futuristic sport.
I’ll challenge you to a game… I’ll try to get him to go after Lennon, you can pick Regan or Stewart.
I believe my strategy will be to make preemptive trips altering the screenplays of Reagan’s films to add Catcher in the Rye references. This should attract Chapman’s attention, then I’ll get them in the same place and personally convince Chapman that Reagan’s the phoniest of the phonies.
.-= The Great Joe Bivins´s last blog ..COMIC: BAADD: Blobs All About Drunk Driving =-.
Sir, you are a genius.
Wow, you people are angry. I, for one, would assassinate Skeletor. I would hope that this would achieve a victory for He-Man. But then, I’m not sure how you would assassinate a skeleton…You couldn’t stab him, could you? A bullet would go right through him as well. No wonder He-Man had such a hard time. I guess you’d have to crush him under a compactor like the Terminator. But did they have factories like that back then? I guess I’d go back in time and realize there’s no compactor to crush him with, so I’d be SOL, asking He-Man for help. But he’d be angry at me for trying to steal his spotlight, and wouldn’t help out of spite. Then Skeletor would destroy the world, with He-Man out of the picture, so my travel would do more harm than good. Man, time travel is complicated.
“Wow, you people are angry”
We’re just venting… it stops us from actually going to all the trouble of building a time machine and going on a chronologically sporadic killing spree.
“Man, time travel is complicated”
The Long-Skeletor paradox proves that without the proper preparation time travel is a disaster waiting to have happened.
This is a tricky one, because bear in mind that whoever you assassinate will cease to be annoying and alive now and become A Bright Shining Star Who Was Taken From Us Too Young and who life works, instead of being trashy dross will be analysed and revered as high art.
franzys last post..Not the one-handed computing YOU’RE thinking of … although that will present its own problems …
Yeah, shouldn’t have put polonium in Jade Goody’s sushi…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jade_Goody
But if we didn’t she would have gone on to exterminate the Welsh.
Morals and ethics, morals and ethics.
Well, too many to consider. But most likely will do the most important thing!
JFK. Great man and all, despite some… testosterone-addled tendencies… but I’d do it, just so we’d know who DID it, and could all stop wondering about it. Also, the Warren Commission Report wouldn’t weigh thirty pounds.
*Alexander takes one for the team*
Haha. I appreciate a person who is willing to spend life in prison because something was really obnoxious.
.-= Brandy´s last blog ..State by State / Love or Hate =-.
Well, it has to be someone who WAS assassinated, because you can’t change the past– if you were going to change it, then it would already be the way you were going to change it to. Kind of like, if you were going to go back in time and prevent your birth, then you already wouldn’t exist.
I say I’m probably destined to kill Hitler. Nobody actually saw him die, his body was cremated, and we have only various people’s say-so that he committed suicide… so it’s quite possible that I was the one who really did him in. I wish I could’ve done it before he did all that stuff that made vegetarians and dog-owners look bad, but apparently I can’t. Ah well. At least I will keep/(have kept) him from doing any more.
.-= Erika Hammerschmidt´s last blog ..Abby and Norma #465 =-.
The flamethrower is in the back of the DeLorean. Don’t forget matches.
I’d “off” Prez W. Wilson, for alowing the federal reserve to come into existance. OR nixon, though it would be like kicking a dying dog.
1) does that count?
2) yes, I know my spelling is horrible.
“1) does that count?
2) yes, I know my spelling is horrible.”
1. Yes
2. Admitting you have a problem is the first step in the misspellers anonymous programme.
Keanu Reeves. Or maybe Tom Cruise. So that someone who could actually act might have gotten to be a movie star.
Oh, it looks like we’ve run low on ammo… you’re going to have to chose… Reeves or Cruise?
Cruse must die!
Reeves is worse, but Cruise does more. I’m torn . . . opinions, anyone?
Cruise is a small target, difficult to hit… plus he does have scientology powers…
Reeves on the other hand is so wooden that one day he may just spontaneously combust.
Reeves, before he kills Cowboy Bebop. but not before the first matrix movie, it has a conspicuously large role in my japanese language textbook
Ok, I’ve made up my mind:
Cruise, whatever his faults, has never butchered so much as a line of Shakespeare. Besides, as you pointed out, he’s a Scientologist, and I gather those crystalline entities are immortal.
Reeves might meet the blue fairy and become a real boy someday.
I’ll reserve my hatred for the wooden of my own sex:
Callista Flockheart, you are toast.
A last minute swerve!
And a good one too… but how will we know when she’s dead?
She seems less annoying?
Decomposition will cause her facial expression to change.
The only thing that would.
Jenny McCarthy, cira 1982
Saved: 45,914 illnesses
177 deaths
Preventable if parents would realize that the medical community knows more than a dim-witted playmate turned actress and have their children vaccinated properly.
For the sheer number of lives improved you deserve some sort of medal.
In that vein, take down Oprah too. Too much pseudo-science and quackery given credence by association with her.
We will know we see Harrison Ford jumping, down the streets, for joy.
I really don’t know who I would assinate. Maybe some sports star? No, that would bring more attention to sports.
Jesus? No, they did that, and look where that got us…
Virgin Mary, now that would throw a spanner in the works.
Allah, just for balance.
The first living thing, would make this discussion redunant, but, it could have interesting consquences.
Newton, he discovered gravity and a few other things, but no one has really figured out what gravity is, so meh, he can go.
I could go on, I guess I am just in a killing kinda mood.
Assassinate Jesus before he was famous and it might work better than the way things are supposed to have played out the first time around. Of course you’d have difficulty knowing exactly when to go back to, and finding him when you get there… and there’s always the possibility that the whole story of Jesus was a myth contrived to compete with various pagan stories.
Also, good luck on finding Allah, I think you might have meant Muhammed… if you were gunning for the prophet rather than the god that is. If really meant to set your sights on Allah then I applaud your aspiration but question your sense.
Newton would be a bit unfair, it’s not his fault no-one’s worked out how everything works, and he did some fairly important sciency things (not just gravity – dude came up with calculus, did some things in optics, he got around is what I’m saying)
Well, I agree with the Jesus statement, the whole thing could be an exercise in time wasting, but still fun.
Yes, I mean Muhammed, tho, I don’t really know enough about that religion to really know if it is a good idea or not. But, seeing as we already have one person nominating to kill god, I don’t see why Allah is such a big issue.
I have often heard that the Indians were working on Calculus, so Newton wasn’t all that important.
I enjoy using the three laws of thermodynamics, but, as ppl are still trying to make over-unity devices, the laws are clearly not very respected.
I think the person who designed the lightbulb should be shot, such a wasteful device (maybe Edison, or was it one of his students/helpers).
I’d simply go back in time and take out the guy who thought the 3rd movie would be a good idea.
Hey, Good idea of steering already-assassins towards new targets… that sounds like it could become a futuristic sport. I would love to challenge someone.
This is my calling, and as Manchurian operative I realize that it is my responsibility to go back to the moment before my own conception and kill my father, but now, we have a tangled mess and some ‘splainin’ to do…
Okaaaay. Let me see now. Who would I kill?
Good ol’ what’s-his-face Hoover (Herbert?..) back in the 1920s, before he had time to
a)take credit for a boom he gave nothing to and
b)cause one big depression to get a hella’ lot worse through his lassez-faire shit.
Perez Hilton. I’ve never read any of his…(or her…gender, anyone?)…columns or what have you, but I gather they are somewhat of godfather (or mother) to gossip columns, bitchiness in the modern world and all things that entails. Plus, Will.I.Am has punched them, so they must be worthy of an early grave, ‘cos he is hard to annoy.
I’d also find that stupid TV executive who first said “Hey…what about, putting some people in a house, making them do stupid things, and filming it? We’ll make millions! And we can ruin the meaning of a perfectly good phrase from George Orwell’s novel. Yay!”
That person must die, preferably in the form of taking current version of them back to view their own horrible, hideous but necessary murder.
Additionally, a temporary killing of Shakespeare, to avoid the existance of Macbeth. Or even better, going into the play and just stabbing Macbeth in the face until he quits being such a cry baby and just gets on with his life. The witches may live…
On a personal note, I’d quuuiiiite like to remove my headteacher from existance, or at least from this particular hemisphere…
Okay, I’m done now.
Ah my. Been thinking on this one a while, have we?
I dunno, but Captain Obvious (a.k.a. Thomas Aquinas) has to be up there somewhere. We get to save the philosophers from his clear inanity, AND that prostitute whose nose he tried to pull off with red-hot pliers will no doubt thank me.
Okay. Right. Here’s my plan.
We take the time machine back to the thirteenth century, where we snatch Aquinas at the moment of attacking said prostitute, then we take him forwards into the present day and replace Nick Griffin with the irate Aquinas at the moment of a debate with the Tories. Aquinas will assault David Cameron under the momentum of his original RAEG, at which point a fight will hopefully break out and we can drop a twenty-tonne weight on all three of them, to the Liberty Bell, which we will of course have rerecorded for the DeLorean’s car radio.