Hacking away
Last time we talked about The Flowfield Unity as a rescue home for slightly less than popular monsters… well, it hasn’t worked out and quite frankly I’m now overrun by them.
Normally, the sort of monsters I’m used to dealing with are uninvited insects and such, and my weapons of choice include whatever happens to be at hand. That’s why the last time I had to deal with a particularly large spider (I don’t like them and it was massive, honestly, massive) I could be seen looning around in my dressing gown carrying a broom handle and a can of deodorant.
Anyway, that’s the question… I’m overrun with monsters and I need to find ways to ‘neutralise’ them… what do you suggest?
Now mostly a gun will do the trick, but I want to look cool (as the do in those horror film things) whilst doing such a thing, so points will be awarded for style and irony.
You could use sarcasm on them. (Monty Python reference.)
golfwidow´s last blog ..time to walk the dinosaur. where’s its leash?
“So yeah, I slaughtered 100 zombies, a couple of werewolves and a really nasty looking goblin using just sarcasm”
“Really?”
“No.”
haha, nice use of sarcasm to demonstrate why sarcasm is no good.
Ben´s last blog ..Thorny Devil
I think that you share many traits with this man, if you’ll just follow the link:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4cUiCW-KfUQ
Ah, Phill Jupitus.
Indeed, we do share some things in common. The spider thing being one of those.
Another being our love of the late Ian Dury.
And he’s also an excellent comic artist… read this… and this.
That last one sounds egotistical… I’m not calling myself an ‘excellent’ comic artist, merely a comic artist… you know what I mean.
Ah, spiders, such a joy. It is an amazing irrational fear, isn’t it? I say this because there are other more sensible things to be fearful of, that I’m just not. For instance, at camp I was the one who could pick up a wasp in their hand and just walk off with it without being bothered, despite the fact they sting, whereas you put a “level one” spider as Phil there calls it, and I’m a quivering wreck.
Last week we had a fucking massive one in my room. I was trying to get to sleep, and I could hear a scratching noise, so, thinking it may be a rodent or my idiot cat stuck under the pile of junk in the corner of my room, I went and fetched dad, who listened a while, and then picked up a paper bag I had in the said corner. He nearly had a heart attack, because apparently, in the bag there was a MASSIVE spider. Or at least, massive to us Brits. He wouldn’t let me see, because it was so big I would probably have gone into screaming quivering wreck mode. He lobbed it out of the window, and mum, sat downstairs, came up and said “What did you just throw out of the window? I heard a thump of something landing on the lawn.” >.< Now that is big. Eurgh.
As for getting rid of monsters/bugs, well….a cat usually does the trick. Mine eats all nature of bugs.
You could try counting and dispelling them… er, doesn’t seem to work so well.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aJO5dRvpXc
Joseph Hewitt´s last blog ..TPing L5
Shit man! I thought I had seen BIG spiders. I mean real BIG fuckers. Just down the road (you know). And I would trap the fuckers under a glass, place a beer mat or some such material underneatth said glass – trap it – and shove it out in the back yard. But here… A pint glass is too small. Too small! The legs of the spider get broken… so a weird spray of your choice from an erosol and a lighter do the trick. Well, it works for some! xxx
Sean´s last blog ..Dan Wolgers.
We get spiders that are large enough that a mixing bowl is too small. But, I don’t have the need to kill them.
Ben´s last blog ..Hopping Mouse
I now have arachnophobia, thanks to Ben showing me the wide variety of freakish, mutant Australian spiders. I can’t even stand small, normal spiders now.
Thanks, Ben!
Hey, no worries
Ben´s last blog ..Thorny Devil
no need to look further for a weapon/tool to use to neutralize those creepy crawlies, it’s the best tool there is, God made it, it’s your own little hands… there’s nothing cooler than picking them up with your very own awesome hands – then you get to decide what fate awaits them, how manly is that?
I wouldn’t be picking up many bugs, they almost always bite or cause some form of itchy rash. Little bastards.
Even if they don’t, they still taste bad, eg, moths, don’t ever attempt to eat a moth.
Why do you bloody brits feel the need to kill spiders? They are perfectly harmless (ignore my last post), friendly creatures who only want to hide in dark places and bite things on occasion, maybe even (if we are lucky) biting the git that decide to try and kill it.
Ben´s last blog ..Hopping Mouse
Okay, I agree that it is not in anyone’s interests (most of the time) to kill spiders. And using sprays, as I mentioned previously, and while it did apparently work, was not done by me. There: I have stated this twice. That’s how good the word ‘apparently’ is. So I am all for spiders, especially spiders that fit under mixing bowls.
Sean´s last blog ..Shutter: Question, DVD extras, conclusive remarks, additional links (and the addition of a redundant egg).
Didn’t fit.
Ben´s last blog ..Hopping Mouse
Sorry, if I see a spider that won’t fit under a mixing bowl, I’m going to go fetch a flamethrower.
Projectile weapons are fun and easy. You can spend an entire sunday arvo drinking cheap beer and building spud guns capable of launching petrol filled tennis balls the better part of 500m’s, but, most of the projectile style weapons will likely do more damage to your property then to the monsters. Consider that in Vietnam, a soldier had to fire about 15000 rounds to kill one enemy (source: local pub (fuck off, it is a legitimate source)), that means you will need atleast 15000 tennis balls, which would properly fill your house. With the current prices of fuel, it would be cheaper to move then to fill them.
You could modify your house to be a conglomerate (sic) of Cube (first movie only) and the Resident Evil: Apocalypse testing facility. That would be fun and make for great parties, but can you imagine getting up bleary eyed in the morning, putting on the coffee and HOLY FUCK IT IS A JUMPING JACK, no wait, the toast is done. Plus, your bed frame being capable of dicing you finer then most sashimi chefs would ever dream of being capable of.
Also, the extra zombies and constantly moving rooms would be shit.
A cop once told me that in a home invasion, on of the most effective weapons (short of a hand gun) is a short base ball bat. The reason is, you can swing it in a hall way. The method is, stab at the attacker to push them back to with in swinging range, then swing. Repeat as needed. Just remember that most courts will not consider swinging at a cowering person laying bleeding on the ground “needed”. Zombies need serious brain damage or beheading (decapitating is just too hard to spell) and a short base ball is not likely to be able to achieve the require force. The long neck monster could be fun. Once he is down, prop his neck up on some furniture and use the swaying head to practice your swing.
Booby traps are fun. A bloke I worked with for a very short time told a little story about why he went to jail. A guy assualted his sister and managed to not get time, so my ‘mate’ decided that revenge was in order. He broke into the offenders house and went to his toilet, took out the light bulb, drilled a hole in it and filled it with explosives. Didn’t kill the guy, but I don’t think hair regrowth will be an option. The problems here are many. Most monster probably don’t use the toilet or bother with the light when they do. And, I dunno about you, but I tend to turn the light on when I get up for my midnight piss and I’ve been in one toilet sized room when it exploded and that sucked balls. Like the projectile solution, booby traps will do more damage to you and your house then the monsters.
I think you might have a practical use for them. The long neck guy is able to see if gutters are blocked, if the cat hid the remote on top of the dresser, etc. Every one else is able to scare off kids trying to sell shit candy to raise money for their dodgy school plays. Oh, and the sunday christian army of door knockers. They really are worse then an army of the undead, tho not as smelly.
All in all, I don’t have a practical solution for your woes, other then to suggest you get Roo back and get him to get them all so drunk they die again.
Ben´s last blog ..Hopping Mouse
Okay, I’m back! And a bit drunk too. I think I can manage with the monsters: we had my opening night at the gallery on Friday, serving the mead that I brewed back in September, and it was a hit! Nearly five gallons of the (16%) stuff got drunk, and many respectable members of the art community were less than steady on their feet by the end there. A bit more, we could do in some monsters, let me tell you. I’ll brew a double batch next time.
Yay to opening night! You get around, Mister.
you could try making fun of them until they go away.
even discounting the tarantulas, some spiders around here can get as big as the palm of your hand. But with the scorpions the smaller they are the more likely their poison is potentially deadly.
Laugh in their faces!
If that doesn’t work, use fire.
My classroom at school is now crawling (leaping?) with jumping spiders. They’re cute little buggers- big sparkly eyes.
Joseph Hewitt´s last blog ..The Other
http://www.flickr.com/photos/brokentoyshop/3080497061/
Check this out then.
Ben´s last blog ..Thorny Devil
my suggestion, i know this works 99% of the time, is to go with one of the more historical inventions:
FIRE.
get a can of aerosol (one that is flamable) and a lighter.
using quick bursts you can incinerate any pesky critters without causing undue harm to its suroundings, the key is short bursts of flame.
A guy did this. Ended up burning down his house. He claimed on insurance and almost got paid, except, the insurance company found out via a police report that he had been seen walking around the house torching bugs in a method similar to the one you mention.
Ben´s last blog ..Still Life by Window
Why do we British people kill spiders? Well, I can only speak for myself, but I think it’s the legs. There’s just something so *SHUDDER* about the legs. My sister (a fellow arachnophobe) and I were once watching a show on robots, and we saw a robot with only six legs, but they moved like a spider’s legs. We both shuddered so hard the couch probably moved.
I was once living in a flat which had a suspended ceiling, so trying to kill ceiling-located spiders by the normal squish method didn’t work. Like Adam, I used deodorant. That spider died with the eight freshest armpits in the area. Nowadays, I hit ‘em hard with Raid. The can doesn’t say it kills spiders, but it does. Phew.
There was once an occasion when I reached into my pocket for the house key, and my hand came out with a dead spider on it. THERE HAD BEEN A SPIDER IN MY POCKET! Instant anxiety attack..
Worst case was when I was living with my parents, waiting to emigrate, and I was using my laptop on my mattress. The vibrations from the PC attracted a large (two-inch) monster, and I ran downstairs for the fly-swat. By the time I’d returned, it had left (ARGH). Remembering that my sister wouldn’t be able to sleep until I’d killed it, I slapped the swatter against the wall loud enough for her to hear, and then brought it back downstairs. But I knew I had to use the laptop on the mattress again the next day (because it was quite late in the evening) in the hope that the spider would re-appear. It did – its finale appearance, because I got the bugger.
*SHUDDER*
Mark
Astragali´s last blog ..Paper or Plastic? for 20100303