I was once living in a flat which had a suspended ceiling, so trying to kill ceiling-located spiders by the normal squish method didn’t work. Like Adam, I used deodorant. That spider died with the eight freshest armpits in the area. Nowadays, I hit ‘em hard with Raid. The can doesn’t say it kills spiders, but it does. Phew.

There was once an occasion when I reached into my pocket for the house key, and my hand came out with a dead spider on it. THERE HAD BEEN A SPIDER IN MY POCKET! Instant anxiety attack..

Worst case was when I was living with my parents, waiting to emigrate, and I was using my laptop on my mattress. The vibrations from the PC attracted a large (two-inch) monster, and I ran downstairs for the fly-swat. By the time I’d returned, it had left (ARGH). Remembering that my sister wouldn’t be able to sleep until I’d killed it, I slapped the swatter against the wall loud enough for her to hear, and then brought it back downstairs. But I knew I had to use the laptop on the mattress again the next day (because it was quite late in the evening) in the hope that the spider would re-appear. It did – its finale appearance, because I got the bugger.

*SHUDDER*

Mark
.-= Astragali´s last blog ..Paper or Plastic? for 20100303 =-.

FIRE.

get a can of aerosol (one that is flamable) and a lighter.

using quick bursts you can incinerate any pesky critters without causing undue harm to its suroundings, the key is short bursts of flame.

Check this out then.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Thorny Devil =-.

Last week we had a fucking massive one in my room. I was trying to get to sleep, and I could hear a scratching noise, so, thinking it may be a rodent or my idiot cat stuck under the pile of junk in the corner of my room, I went and fetched dad, who listened a while, and then picked up a paper bag I had in the said corner. He nearly had a heart attack, because apparently, in the bag there was a MASSIVE spider. Or at least, massive to us Brits. He wouldn’t let me see, because it was so big I would probably have gone into screaming quivering wreck mode. He lobbed it out of the window, and mum, sat downstairs, came up and said “What did you just throw out of the window? I heard a thump of something landing on the lawn.” >.< Now that is big. Eurgh.

As for getting rid of monsters/bugs, well….a cat usually does the trick. Mine eats all nature of bugs.

Thanks, Ben!

If that doesn’t work, use fire.

even discounting the tarantulas, some spiders around here can get as big as the palm of your hand. But with the scorpions the smaller they are the more likely their poison is potentially deadly.

You could modify your house to be a conglomerate (sic) of Cube (first movie only) and the Resident Evil: Apocalypse testing facility. That would be fun and make for great parties, but can you imagine getting up bleary eyed in the morning, putting on the coffee and HOLY FUCK IT IS A JUMPING JACK, no wait, the toast is done. Plus, your bed frame being capable of dicing you finer then most sashimi chefs would ever dream of being capable of.
Also, the extra zombies and constantly moving rooms would be shit.

A cop once told me that in a home invasion, on of the most effective weapons (short of a hand gun) is a short base ball bat. The reason is, you can swing it in a hall way. The method is, stab at the attacker to push them back to with in swinging range, then swing. Repeat as needed. Just remember that most courts will not consider swinging at a cowering person laying bleeding on the ground “needed”. Zombies need serious brain damage or beheading (decapitating is just too hard to spell) and a short base ball is not likely to be able to achieve the require force. The long neck monster could be fun. Once he is down, prop his neck up on some furniture and use the swaying head to practice your swing.

Booby traps are fun. A bloke I worked with for a very short time told a little story about why he went to jail. A guy assualted his sister and managed to not get time, so my ‘mate’ decided that revenge was in order. He broke into the offenders house and went to his toilet, took out the light bulb, drilled a hole in it and filled it with explosives. Didn’t kill the guy, but I don’t think hair regrowth will be an option. The problems here are many. Most monster probably don’t use the toilet or bother with the light when they do. And, I dunno about you, but I tend to turn the light on when I get up for my midnight piss and I’ve been in one toilet sized room when it exploded and that sucked balls. Like the projectile solution, booby traps will do more damage to you and your house then the monsters.

I think you might have a practical use for them. The long neck guy is able to see if gutters are blocked, if the cat hid the remote on top of the dresser, etc. Every one else is able to scare off kids trying to sell shit candy to raise money for their dodgy school plays. Oh, and the sunday christian army of door knockers. They really are worse then an army of the undead, tho not as smelly.

All in all, I don’t have a practical solution for your woes, other then to suggest you get Roo back and get him to get them all so drunk they die again.
.-= Ben´s last blog ..Hopping Mouse =-.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6aJO5dRvpXc

.-= Joseph Hewitt´s last blog ..TPing L5 =-.

Indeed, we do share some things in common. The spider thing being one of those.

Another being our love of the late Ian Dury.

And he’s also an excellent comic artist… read this… and this.

That last one sounds egotistical… I’m not calling myself an ‘excellent’ comic artist, merely a comic artist… you know what I mean.

“Really?”

“No.”