I didn’t go to have a look at David Blaine when he supposedly starved himself in a box whilst in London. I was in London at the time, but I figured it was nothing special… people have gone without food for longer, mostly because they had no choice… anyway, he could have been cheating.

Now water, there’s a fast I’d like to see him do. Apparently the average human can last only several days (depending upon heat/humidity etc.). I think he should try 40.

That said, I did see that a Nepalese Buddhist teenager is claiming to have not had a drop for six months. The scientist in me remains skeptical. 

Sleep deprivation is, however, a far more legitimate sport. The world record stands at 18 days, 21 hours, 40 minutes, according to the Australian National Research Project, although no names are given. 

It is known that Randy Gardner managed a rather impressive 264 hours… which puts my meagre 60 hour stint to shame.

Of course, David Blaine went without sleep many a night suspended in a box by the Thames. As a nation we were angry about the Iraq war and he supplied us with a clear American target on which to vent our collective frustrations… I think it worked too.

Perhaps, after he’s been water-fasting for 40 days, the next time you do something wrong, you should send us a sacrificial entertainer in a perspex cell.

Here’s the night-time artist’s paradox – despite being on temporary vacation from my day job, I find myself busier than ever…

I think it has something to do with working for myself, I’m a harsh boss and my deadlines are tight… If I carry on treating me this way I may quit.

Anyway, that wasn’t the point of this post, merely an observation. What I wanted to talk about is the ever growing trend for people to make brand-name foods at home.

There are quite a few sites out there that apparently have instructions on how to replicate some of the world’s most famous foodstuffs… Coca Cola, KFC, etc.

Firstly, I’d be happy to hear from anyone that has had any success in this field. Purely as an experiment I find it fascinating, however, it is a bit like setting your sites a little low. If the best thing you can think of doing to a piece of chicken is to try to make it taste like the reclaimed meat of a fast-food outlet then I think there’s a problem.

So that’s what I’m after, the food that tastes better than the shop-bought, mass produced fare.

That exists, doesn’t it?

Breakfast, the most important meal, or so they say… I suppose that’s true if it causes you to commit some sort of atrocity… which is highly likely in my case, not being a morning person, pretty much anything can set me off.

• Sour milk – Whether on cereal or in my coffee, finding out that a perfectly good pint has turned nasty over night will cause trouble, especially since you only notice once it is already in your mouth.
• Hard-boiled soft-boiled eggs – It’s rare, but there’s no point in having neatly turned out soldiers only to discover that the eggs defences have been re-inforced. May cause me to use the surplus soldiers to invade my neighbours letter box.
• Burned toast – Standing at the kitchen sink trying to scrape away the carbon with a knife is practically practicing my stabbing technique.
• Stale bread – More common in the summer, discovering a green patch on a half eaten slice will make me feel and act like one of the chimps from Outbreak… or perhaps the ones from 28 Days Later.
• Improvised breakfast – The result of not going shopping frequently enough. Results in some of the following foodstuffs being used for breakfast… crisps, chocolate, lasagna… ending up with me lying on the floor groaning in a inhuman fashion, much like the infected people from Outbreak, or the zombies from 28 Days Later.
• Nothing – Similar to above but ending in a fruitless search. Waking up to a hearty breakfast of nothing makes me fall into the void of despair, from which I will not emerge until lunch.

Still, if you’re cooking a Full English, that might placate me somewhat.

I almost can’t believe we got this far without a palindrome appearing.

I managed to cram three into the comic whilst still trying to make some sense, but I just couldn’t get saippuakalasalakauppias (Finnish for ‘soapdish bootlegger’) to work.

The great thing about palindromes being that they are half as difficult to spell as ordinary words.

And all this at the behest of fellow webcomicker Joseph Hewitt… creator of the rather splendid Ataraxia Theatre, head surgeon over at Transplant Comics, designer/coder of rogue-like video-game Gearhead, and a facilitator of young minds – and alongside that he’s a decent chap that isn’t as big-headed as he should be, considering he must have at least three brains.

They are changing the sandwiches at work. Apparently, the old sandwiches were too labour intensive.

I’m pretty sure the Earl of Sandwich would disagree. It is rumoured that he liked them because they were convenient when playing cards and they didn’t get the cards all greasy… I like them for precisely the same reason when I’m at work.

And so it is important for them to be made right, they’re a specialist lunch with a function beyond filling a stomach. Our old sandwiches (for all their faults including the obscene use of onion in a tuna and mayonnaise sandwich) were hand-made and subsidised. You could get a good, filling, cheap meal that adhered to the non-greasy nature of the ideal sandwich.

The new ones will be different. they may or may not be hand-made, but even if they are they will be to a lower quality. I mean, the people who make these sandwiches are not going to be stood in front of you when you pay… that’s motivation for getting it right… no, they’ll stack them crooked and the filling will spill everywhere, just like at every other place I’ve worked.

That stops it from being a sandwich and turns it into be a salad garnished with bread.

That’s why I’ll be taking in a packed lunch next week when I return, just in case – I wouldn’t want my cards to get all greasy. The trouble is, I’m used to picking from a selection presented to me, institutionalised, so to speak, and I have no idea where to start.

I’m torn between trying to perfect something simple – the ideal ham and cheese perhaps – or something rather grand and custom – I like chillies and peanut butter, there must be a safe way to combine them.

So, name your top sandwich. Points will be awarded for creativity and sheer determination. I may try some of them, but be warned, bad tasting sandwiches give me outbreaks of rage.

I’ve over-eaten a little recently… and whilst with some people the fat goes to their thighs, their belly or their hips, with me it goes straight to my brain.

That’s right, I have a fat brain now.

And so I’m off to do the mental equivalent of a starvation diet and rigorous circuit training. Hopefully, I’ll return a bit more brain-trim.
In the meantime, you might like to have a look at this comic; Line and Accident.

Actually, the more astute of you will know this to be a mis-quoting of Dr Sagan… what he actually said was:

If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.

I was a long way from home, and the internet, when I drew this and so had to rely on my rather shaky memory. Still, I think I got the gist across.

If you don’t know who Carl Sagan is, I suggest you look here, and at the Carl Sagan Portal.

He also happens to be another human that I classify as one of my heroes, for obvious reasons.

There are so many great quotes attributed to him too. The best list can be found here.

Carl Sagan – He’s not wrong.

Technorati Tags: science, quotes, comics, webcomic, technology

Because, when you have a memory like mine, you can never remember. My solution? Don’t put salt on food.

I sent a copy of this to Tate & Lyle… yet to hear back from them though.