I went to see The Happening the other day. It’s been getting really mixed reviews, but I thought it was OK, so long as you remember it’s a B-movie.

It mentions the bees too, mostly the fact that they are disappearing. It’s a global problem and no one really knows why… and it’s really not good news.

So, the mixture of watching a fictional disaster movie, combined with a quite possible start of a real one made me think. How would I cope should I find myself in some sort of apocalypse scenario… right now, probably not to well. I’m not Apocalypse ready.

There’s a ton of basic survival things that I don’t know – I’m certainly no Ray Mears, but I think it might be wise to get to grips with some of the basics. I’m not too great with weapons either, I haven’t had much call to practice – I’ve handled a shotgun on a few occasions (and it would be my weapon of choice in a zombie scenario), but that’s it for guns.

And physically I’m not too sharp either. If what I have seen in films is to be believed, there’s going to be a lot of running… I might know what to do, but am I going to be fit enough to do it?

That’s why this weekend I’m going to do a little fitness test and then I’m going to start training. The aim is to be Apocalypse Ready as soon as possible. That means everything, the skills and abilities as well as a level of physical fitness that should get me through most non-extinction event scenarios.

I’m not sure just yet what I am going to have to learn and do to achieve this state and feel free to make suggestions. First however, I need to work out what those situations will be.. missing bees and zombies…

I don’t know whether it is their arrogance, limited intelligence or lack of sound-making mouth parts, but bugs are awful conversationalists. They are good at biting though, you’ve got to give them that.

It’s part of what I call the winter pay-off.  In brief, there are so many things about winter in this country that make it a misery, that there must also be many things that make it better to compensate. The lack of biting insects for example is the direct result of the cold, wet weather.

I also enjoy the fact that the short days mean you can legitimately crack open a bottle of port at 4pm.

All I need to do now is think of a positive side to the lethal slipperiness of the steep, icy streets outside.